I'm so, so sorry.

I know that I told myself that I'd be posting every day, but somewhere along the line, I kind of told myself "Fuck it" and started to ignore the fact that I even had a blog until now. The only blog that I can be arsed to check at this point is my Tumblr, but we won't even go into that. No one is allowed to know my Tumblr URL, because they will look at my Tumblr and think that I'm a freak. I mean, I am a freak, but not everyone needs to know the full, explicit details of that freakiness. I suppose I should let you all catch up.

There's only one really interesting thing that's happened since my last post: I got back together with my ex-girlfriend. We're not putting any labels on the relationship, because that's a good way to set ourselves up for failure. I don't know what we are, per se, but we are definitely back together in every way, shape, and form. That's kind of fantastic for my mental health, because she is the literally the best person I have ever met or ever will meet in my lifetime.

Lately, I've been seriously fucking depressed. Like, to the extreme. My grades have been slipping from high As down to mid-Bs, and that's got my parents pissed off. They expect me to juggle mental health bullshit, friend bullshit, family bullshit, and school bullshit, which I'm barely managing. I'm struggling beneath the weight of my own depression, OCD, anxiety, and sociopathy. I have never hated myself more than I hate myself right now, and I am seriously on the verge of taking apart a razor and slicing through my forearms.

I miss being sane. I miss having some mental clarity. I miss being able to sit down and get things done without this overwhelming sense of anxiety, guilt, and hopelessness. There are suicidal undertones to everything that I do now, and I hate it so much. At the same time, I'm scared to see what's it like to be sane again. I don't remember what it was like, and I'm scared of seeing that again. Without being horribly depressed and anxious about everything, my brain would be nearly empty.

I still need to make another doctor's appointment so I can get my dosage of Prozac upped to something along the lines of more than 10mg every day. I don't care how large and horse pill-like in nature my medications become. If I don't have them, I will literally die.

I have begun my transition from female to male. I am transgender. The genderfluid thing was a test to see how people would react. I know how shitty and immature that sounds, but I wanted to test the waters before I did anything. I cut my hair and my friends have started to use the proper name and pronouns. Hopefully all progress goes well.

♥ ~ Master Jellyfish