Sorry I haven't been updating as much as I should. I have been going through a lot of interesting and bittersweet bullshit that I've been struggling to deal with by myself and with friends. I decided to quit an online friend group that is just all-around corrupt because of the leader, and I left them a very nasty resignation letter that every single one of the people there deserved. At least now I'm finally rid of them and I no longer have to submit to the leader's will. I understand that from the outside looking in, it sounds ridiculous to have a "leader" of an online group, and trust me, it is. The leader is a manipulative, sneaky, all-around dishonest ass-wipe who doesn't deserve to be mentioned by name, so I won't mention him by name. Actually, let's make it better: I won't mention him ever again.
These past few weeks, I have been feeling like I might honestly try to kill myself if I'm left unsupervised for too long. I keep looking at my dad's pocket-knife like it's my key to leaving the ridiculous amounts of emotional pain that I have been feeling for the past three years, what with the depression and the obsessive-compulsive disorder doing nothing but steadily escalating. It has gotten to the point where I don't even care about what's going on in the outside world. I immerse myself in my online world and message my online friends on Skype instead of going out and actually doing things that I used to enjoy. I really need to get off of my phone and get out of the house, but I already took care of that for the day, as I went to the store against my free will and ended up listening to music that I enjoy listening to. I bought that Vance Joy album that came out in 2014. Dream Your Life Away, I think it's called. Indie folk is just the thing that I need to get myself through the day. That's not sarcasm. I really mean that. His voice is just flawless.
Back to the point... I don't feel like I want to live anymore. I used to breathe pure air that smelled of joy and walked through fields of roses that smelled of the sweetest of fragrances. Depression swept through my life and destroyed my roses. It cut through my rose fields with a machete and then built a smog-belching factory where it once was. Now I'm forced to either hold my breath or choke to the death on the thick, black smoke. The world is suffocating me, and I have two options. I can let it take me and surrender to the unknown. I can hold my breath and wait until I pass out. I'm tired of fighting. I'm a pacifistic. I'm not the kind to fight violently, even if it's in defense of my own existence. I've fought this bullshit for three years, and I don't see any end to it coming up on the horizon. The light at the end of the tunnel burnt out, and now I'm stuck in this dark cave without a flashlight. I can't tell what's up, down, left, or right. I just want to get out of this tunnel, and that seems like it's the only way to do it, but there's so much left that I feel obligated to do in this tunnel before I bash my head into the stone walls and render myself unable to move. It scares me to think that if I left now, all I'd leave behind are five dozen shitty poems, seventy-five pages of a novel that I'll probably never finish, and a shit-load of writing that I typed on Google Docs and then abandoned. There's so much closure that the world needs from me before I'm allowed to leave, and that stresses me out.
*sighs* I suppose I'll just keep hanging on until I'm able to finish all of the things that need to be done before I go. I'll get my affairs together, and then I'll be good to go, I guess.
♥ ~ Madame Jellyfish
I wish you would tell me when you get like this. I feel like you only want to talk to me when you're feeling OK, and that's not right. You should be able to tell me when you're having problems too. Let's talk, OK? Please? =/
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